This is a story about emotional reactions to life events. Although it’s not directly connected to disabling illness, our emotional and mental reactions have an impact on our health and also how satisfied we are with our lives overall. Disabling illness brings so many difficulties and challenges that being able to work with our emotions can be enormously helpful.

A few years ago I was audited and needed to drop off a whole bunch of paperwork by 4pm to avoid $35,000 in back taxes that had been incorrectly assessed.

I drove to the tax office around 2pm, parked in an underground garage, and as I was getting out of my car and putting my jacket on, the car door slammed shut with my purse, phone, and paperwork inside.

I had a moment of “oh ****” and then laughed for a minute or two (perhaps a little hysterically) because really that type of thing would only happen to me when I had an important deadline. I needed to call BCAA (what AAA is called in British Columbia, Canada) to get my car unlocked, but of course I had no phone. So I found the garage attendant, explained my situation with as friendly a smile as I could and borrowed his phone to call them.

They said they would be there in about 30 minutes. As I stood waiting outside in the cold and rain, I was a little concerned about how to take care of my health so that I did not end up bedridden for a week, I found a sheltered ledge to sit on and felt grateful that I had my warm coat on. I was even more grateful when I put my hand in my pocket and discovered two dollars, which meant I could buy myself a cup of tea. After waiting 40 minutes, BCAA had not arrived, the parking lot attendant was MIA, and I needed to find a phone to find out what was happening.

I was in the middle of the downtown core, and stopped a 40 year old business man walking by. I asked to borrow his phone and explained how I had locked my purse, phone and documents in my car. I joked about how things like this only happen when there is a critical deadline, but I was happy I had just found two dollars in my pocket and was going to have a cup of tea (it was cold, and I was very excited about that $2 and the prospect of something hot to drink).

He let me use his phone, and then tried to give me $20. I said “no thanks”, showed him my toonie (a $2 coin for you non-Canadians) and said I had enough money for a cup of tea which was all I really wanted.

He kept insisting I keep the $20 and take myself out for lunch, because I was obviously having a rough day. I felt uncomfortable about taking money, given I did have the $2 in my pocket and money in my car, but after the third time he insisted I realized he really wanted to be generous and give me that gift, and that I needed to graciously accept, and just say “Thank you so much!”.

After another 30 minutes or so, BCAA finally came and unlocked my car. I raced to the tax office only to find locked doors, no buzzer or bell, and no reception area, with a sign that you had to have the direct phone number of the agent you were meeting and call them to get in. Of course I had not brought the agent’s phone number with me because I was just planning on dropping off paperwork.

By this time it was 3:40pm and I was starting to get a little stressed, but I figured if I just stood at the doors sooner or later someone would go in or out and I could ask them for help. About five minutes later someone came out, I explained my situation, and finally got those papers delivered.

I then went out for a very yummy late lunch thanks to that wonderful stranger, got home and all the obstacles of the day disappeared leaving pure joy.

That evening all I could think about was how wonderful people can be, that this total stranger had been so empathetic and kind to me, giving me that $20 which we both knew I didn’t really need, but would help make a challenging day easier. It was such a wonderful moment of kindness from a stranger in a large and impersonal city.

The deeply profound moment came for me that evening when I was on the phone and told the story of my day and how happy I was feeling. The person I was on the phone with said if that had happened to them they would have been so angry and frustrated, they probably would have kicked their car, and it was unlikely anyone would have been as helpful and kind to them as the parking lot attendant, man in the street, etc. were to me. It would have totally ruined their whole day and maybe even their week.

So the moral to the story???

We tend to think if some bad thing “x” happens it will cause a specific emotional reaction “y”. But as my story shows, that is actually not true. A lot depends on your perception, your attitude to yourself, life in general, and what you choose to notice.

At the end of the day I felt happy, my paperwork got delivered and I had this wonderful encounter with a total stranger. Locking my keys in my car, the cold and rain, the difficulty of the tax office all faded from my mind. But at the same time, it would have been a horrible day to the person I was speaking to that evening.

As I am writing this, I find myself thinking “Wow, I seem so wonderful in this story”, and yes on that day the past 30 years of mindfulness practice served me well – but I promise you if you talk to my friends and family they can come up with countless examples of me totally losing it and being a total pain in the behind. 

There are two takeaways that I think are important –

1 – Your perceptions and attitudes affect how you react to life events, and also affect how other people react to you.

2 – You are not actually stuck with your perceptions, attitudes and interpretations. They are mental/emotional habitual patterns your brain is doing and you can change them.

This item #2 gets us into the subject of mindfulness, and another blog post down the road…

To give a hint of that future blog post – people often think mindfulness as relaxing, being in the moment, and paying attention to what is happening right now.  After 30 years of trying to practice mindfulness and meditation, I think it is all that, but so much more.

In terms of my own day to day life, the most important part of mindfulness is “mind”, trying to notice what my mind is doing on an ongoing basis. Noticing not just my emotions, thoughts, and underlying motivations, but also developing an understanding of my mental and emotional beliefs and concepts, how they work, how they connect, and how they affect my thoughts and behaviour.

For me it is also noticing other people, and remembering again and again that each person has a whole lifetime of experience, thoughts, and feelings. It is reminding myself again and again that I am not actually the center of the universe. It is being able to notice and take joy and delight in small moments.

People think of meditation and mindfulness as tools for relaxation, but the power of mindfulness comes when you have the fierceness and courage to honestly examine yourself while at the same time the tenderness to accept your own humanity.

Next Steps:

Think of examples of bad and good days in your life. What made them good? What made them bad? Thinking of my keys locked in the car story, what might have been different in those good and bad days?

As always, I’m just starting this journey of writing a blog. Let me know what you think!